365 ONE: day 294…One Month Today!

Day 294: October 28th, 2012 = COMPLETE!!!!!!

Cardio was = Walking

Dance of the Day was = new Robbie Williams song on X Factor

Improvised Acting Video I uploaded to my other blog was = “Happy One Month”

Anything to Note =

Today our little boy is ONE MONTH OLD!!

We celebrated his one month birthday with a candle in a creme caramel 🙂

That we bought from the store.

That I ate haha!

It is my video upload for today of course.

I would like to say that today, on his one month birthday, Alexaki was an angel and model baby…but that would be a lie. He has been quite the restless one and I am only getting to write this as my mum is holding him and trying to calm him down next to me.

He won’t stop crying.

Which in turn has made me cry off and on today with him.

And my boobs hurt…because he appears to be constantly hungry…and so after trying a million other things to stop him crying of course the boob comes out to see if that will stop him.

And it does.

For five seconds.

I know a lot of mothers right now would be shaking their heads with the “I have been there” nod reading this and all my other posts this past month…but unfortunately the knowing that everyone has been through this and understands doesn’t make it better really because I still have to go through it. I know it’s nice to know that others have gone through the all night and day crying and restlessness, the worry, but that doesn’t stop me from worrying.

It’s a mother’s individual challenge.

It’s a mother’s individual journey.

My question is…what if I am still in denial that I am a mother??

I repeatedly find myself saying “mummy’s here” over and over as I bounce around to soothe him…and I just don’t believe it!

And I don’t feel like a very good mother right now, I’m not going to lie. His cry is just so heartbreaking. It feels like he may have some stomach issues. And perhaps I am just not providing him with enough milk. I just don’t know.

You just don’t know what each cry means.

I just know that my cry is because that’s how I feel…heartbroken, that he has stomach issues that I caused, and that I may be starving him with my lack of supply or something.

I don’t know.

You don’t know.

You just worry.

And he is only one month old!!!!

Happy one month little one. I love you so much no matter what!

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