365

365 ONE: day 327…Baby Packing Piles!

Day 327: November 30th, 2012 = COMPLETE!!!!!

Cardio was = Walking

Dance of the Day was = TV concert music

Improvised Acting Video I uploaded to my other blog was = “Mirror”

Anything to Note =

I forgot to mention yesterday something hilarious that happened…

My mum went to brush her teeth, and in our mad rush, she grabbed her face wash and brushed her teeth with it instead of the toothpaste haha! So funny!

Haha! Wish I had been able to capture that on video!

On another note…

In packing mode right now for our trip to Greece for 6 days. But so tired. And on no dairy so haven’t eaten much today as been running around and now in packing mode with the baby on my hip since he won’t stop fussing when I don’t have him in my arms.

I have realized that even though the trip is 6 days we have to take a million things for the baby! Crazy! I have taken for granted here how to function with everything around me, but we need to pack clothes and muslins and nappies – lots of nappies – and take everything off the stroller to make sure it folds and things for the plane like a full complete nappy bag and the bottles and sterilizer….I hadn’t even thought about sterilizing!

Wowza!

I have piles and piles around me…it’s insane!

And nowhere near being done.

Gotta go and finish putting things in piles as baby is crying…so I can feed him again! My little feeding machine!

I am the packing queen so somehow this will all be ok haha!

I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like on January 7th when we leave to back to NYC!! Holy Moly!! That is going to be a nightmare!

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365 ONE: day 326…App For That!

Day 326: November 29th, 2012 = COMPLETE!!!

Cardio was = Walking

Dance of the Day was = TV Commercial music

Improvised Acting Video I uploaded to my other blog was = “Whale”

Anything to Note =

This has to be in note form to be brief as its almost 2.30am and I’m so friggin tired. Just got the little one down again and he’s stirring as I write this so not sure how much time I have! Ah the joys of not sleeping since 1952.

Not sure why I always use the year 1952 as my point of reference and in sentences to indicate its been forever. It’s just a date I picked and stuck by. Although now I think about it, it may have something to do with my birthday perhaps which uses 5 and 2….who knows really!

Long and busy day today.

We had a bad night in terms of again Alexaki not sleeping properly until after 2am (keeping his mummy’s hours!) and then up a few times, and today we had to be at our first baby massage session at 10am – which normally is around the best time he gets some sleep in – so that was disrupted. Surprisingly he was not so bad in the hour session though…he was a good boy as I learned how to massage his legs and little toes and little hands. I think he liked it…who wouldn’t??!! I was jealous!

We were rushing to that appointment which then spiraled into a day of rushing and fighting not to be late. Don’t you just hate that…once late, always late.

Had to print papers for doctors appointment we had later on in afternoon, and figure out and book my parents flights to Greece for a week before traveling to the pediatrician, and since I am the computer girl and frustrated travel agent, and they don’t know how, was trying to juggle that amid breast feeding and crying/nursing Alexaki, and then rushing to catch the bus. My mum is coming with me back to NYC to help for around three weeks so if she didn’t go now to Greece to get stuff done, she wouldn’t be able to until mid February, so an impromptu last minute trip was booked for this Saturday for her for a week. Which then led me to also book for my dad…and then inspired me to book me and the little one to also join them as I found air mile tickets for us all!

Alexaki’s first plane trip is a day and a half away!

I guess this will be a good test to see how we do in preparation for our much longer return trip to NYC in January!

Yup, so now leaving for Greece for 6 days to visit my family! Which I wanted to do anyway, but was hoping the little monkey would be more settled and better by now…sadly that could not be further away from the truth.

We went to the pediatrician’s today as his stomach and diarrhea and reflux symptoms seem to have got worse. Turns out the poor chap may be a number of things (very much to how I diagnosed him from googling and researching, which I know is bad, but turns out I was right on the money) but a couple of options that could be causing his pains, and diarrhea pushing reactions, constant pooping, lack of sleep, never content and always hungry demeanor is:
-milk protein allergy
-lactose intolerance
-or combo

I mean it could be a number of things but these allergies are big so it really comes down to trying to eliminate what it could be amid the list of diagnoses – to see if it works before trying something else and perhaps even stop breast feeding completely 😦

So it’s onto a new formula top up that is specialized and of course super expensive (trust our luck!) We have to top up as little A is not gaining enough weight either. So breast feeding with three top ups a day. And I have to now eat no dairy for two weeks and be strict about it. And we will see how that goes now.

Hopefully this will make him feel better. I will/would do anything to make him feel better. Even if it means no sleep since 1952 still….or no dairy…or whatever else they want to try like no wheat etc. to test other allergies.

I would like to breast feed longer if I can so hoping I don’t have to eliminate that fully right now – even though as I’ve said before in my blogs I can’t believe I still am with what we’ve been through already – and I have nothing against formula – but I wanted to give my baby the best I can and breast milk is just that…if possible of course.

But I mean my mum couldn’t breast feed long with me and I turned out ok!! Haha!! NOT!! Haha!!

I just want to give it my best shot and if I have to try and cut out breast milk to see what happens I will still pump in case that is not a factor.

I know this is all not my fault but for some reason I feel responsible. We have been through the ringer already and he’s only two months old, poor chap (that’s turning into one of my favorite sayings!)

And it just never ends 😦

They do make you feel guilty about not breast feeding I have to say. I feel guilty when the top up formula is given. I feel like I have to pump every time he is given a bottle but I seem to have no friggin time.

Once again I could not pump today with our busy schedule and then constant feeding all evening. I can’t pump if he’s drank it all!

Of course now were leaving for Greece Saturday soooooo much has to get done and its just added to the to-do list that never ever seems to go down! It just grows!

If only I could do things in my sleep πŸ™‚

There’s got to be an app for that, right???!!!! Haha!


365 ONE: day 325…Two Months Old…Toy!

Day 325: November 28th, 2012 = COMPLETE!!!!!

Cardio was = Walking

Dance of the Day was = “Smoke on the Water” by Deep Purple

Improvised Acting Video I uploaded to my other blog was = “Bubbles”

Anything to Note =

Today my little boy is two months old!

I can’t believe it!

It’s really bizarre actually.

My mum asked me the other day if I thought that Alexaki was real or a toy…haha! She was right – I think of him as a toy! No really!

I look at him and catch myself looking at him in disbelief that he is mine, and that he is real!

I’ve said over and over to him – “I can’t believe you are a human being!” – out loud to the poor chap!

When my mum asked if I thought he was a toy I guess she had picked up on it. I could not figure out what it was that I felt actually. I keep saying I can’t believe he’s not real, or it’s surreal, or that he’s mine, or that I feel like I’m being tested and any minute he’s going to be taken away.

But I never quite thought of the word “toy”…it’s a much better summation of what I feel.

He is. That’s what he is.

He is a little toy!

I could just smoooooooooooosh him!


365 ONE: day 324…Teeny Tiny Babies

Day 324: November 27th, 2012 = COMPLETE!!!

Cardio was = Walking

Dance of the Day was = MTV dance music

Improvised Acting Video I uploaded to my other blog was = “Kicking Up A Storm”

Anything to Note =

We went to the clinic today to be discharged by the midwife…that’s what they told me to do ages ago actually as I didn’t know we needed to be official discharged and apparently hand in some paperwork…and it has to be on a Tuesday…which we have failed to go to the last few weeks. Partly because we had to get there between 1-3pm and our upside down schedule and rough times have not allowed it. And partly because there are a million babies in Chiswick so the midwife sees whoever comes in that two hour slot, and so last week I went and was turned away due to the large number already waiting!

There are a million babies in Chiswick, that’s for sure. It’s a baby boom around here! Especially with twins! There are sets of twins everywhere!

Chiswick is a lovely suburb of London so it’s understandable that people want to raise a family here. But it is funny how you can’t walk down the street without passing a baby stroller literally every second.

And there are a lot of twins about that is obviously a result of IVF treatment for older career women who have moved out to Chiswick.

Babies galore.

I did notice as I waited today amid the Chiswick babies at the clinic that little Alexaki had indeed grown a bit! It’s just been hard for me to notice but there was a 10 day old next to me and Alexaki is indeed bigger! And then a two weeker on the other side, and he was again noticeably bigger. But when I look over when my mum feeds him he looks like a tiny teeny little thing still! I know he outgrew his first onesie so he is getting bigger but when he curls up on your chest he disappears! And his cute little face ooooooh! He just looks like a teeny tiny live doll!

I should go back and look at the videos to see what he looked like when he was born as I can’t picture him smaller than he already is.


365 ONE: day 323…Adjustment Bureau

Day 323: November 26th, 2012 = COMPLETE!!!!!

Cardio was = Walking

Dance of the Day was = to TV commercials

Improvised Acting Video I uploaded to my other blog was = “Mum in Hiding”

Anything to Note =

Life has to adjust.

That’s what I’ve learned.

My blackberry is constantly flashing and going off, and my emails are piling up, but the little one is screaming so I must go to the baby first.

And I am a super multitasker so for me not to be able to do a million things at once is an adjustment.

Or I am trying to adjust to be able to do a million things at once still with the baby screaming, or while feeding, or while bouncing around to try to calm him, or while changing his nappy, or bathing him, putting him down to sleep, in playtime, while on a walk pushing the stroller, while pumping milk…wow the list just goes on and on!

Things I’m having a hard time with the most in incorporating doing something else at the same time surprisingly are…

– breast feeding: I have to hold him in one hand and then the breast up in the other otherwise he won’t take it. I thought I would have one hand free, and I did when he was younger or when my milk hadn’t come in properly…then it made my boobies bigger and heavier…and Alexaki falls asleep on the breast so it’s hard for him to feed without me holding it up for him.

– pushing the stroller: also thought I would be able to text as I walked the stroller but I let go of one hand and the stroller goes to the left or right suddenly…so I end up trying to avoid hitting people as I walk and type before I give up, or have to stop to do so…and stopping does not help in getting Alexaki to sleep…which is the point of the walk in the first place!

I guess it all comes down to whether I can type on my blackberry or my iPad with one hand! So its technological life I meant that has to adjust πŸ™‚

I seem to be able to pump milk and type with the other hand, it’s just slow but at least I can multitask there!

I even tried to do my blog once while changing a nappy but with his constant peeing and explosive pooping I was afraid for my iPad so I stopped!

There has to be a way to keep up with my blackberry and emails and baby. Problem is I need to catch up and there is just sooooooo much to do!

But I’m confident I will figure out a way! πŸ™‚


365 ONE: day 322…Stuart Leaves Again

Day 322: November 25th, 2012 = COMPLETE!!!!!

Cardio was = Walking

Dance of the Day was = “Diamonds” by Rihanna

Improvised Acting Video I uploaded to my other blog was = “Superman”

Anything to Note =

On the tube now going back home after dropping Stuart off at Heathrow Airport.

Insert sad face here 😦

I know I should be thankful that he was able to come over at all between when he came over for the birth and Christmas…that this was a lovely bonus trip…but it doesn’t make me miss him any less. It sort of makes me miss him more. It’s like when you have just a bite of something…it only makes you want another bite…or the whole thing! It makes you realize just how hungry you were.

I guess that analogy means I’m hungry for more bites of Stuart??!!

Haha!

It was lovely he was able to come over because I know he missed us over in NYC amidst his hard work…coming back to our apartment in Astoria without us when he had just met his newborn son. I joke that he is escaping all responsibility…which he kind of is haha!…but he is working really hard to bring in the cash for us…so I can’t really complain too much!

It just sucks we are in two different countries. That’s all.

But it was good he came over as I was very distant. We could not Skype very often, and with all the tough times I went through, I had my guard up…almost taking on the single mother role. Which is why it was weird that first day when Stuart arrived. I’m not going to lie, I felt distant and foreign, and a little on edge. It just felt weird. It had been so long. Routines had changed since he had been here. Stuart had only been with his newborn son for 11 days before he had to leave. And the little one and I had been through bouts of bad luck together without him. I didn’t blame him for his absence, or hold it against him, I was just sad and overtired and survival mode meant being in this enclosed shell I had created around me to get by.

I’m still in there, in that shell, but you know you have true love when it can break down that hard exterior and come inside to be there with you.

Stuart had to do that our first year with what past pain had done to me. He continuously does it, which I’m continuously sorry for. And he did it again now, after our longest time apart.

This tube is lonely without him.

I miss him.

I know Alexaki will miss him too.

The only difference this time is last time I couldn’t stop the crying and was very emotional but this time I’m too tired to cry. I’m so tired I don’t know what’s happening.

Until December 18th now. At least it’s less time apart this round.

Safe flight Stuart.


365 ONE: day 321…Vicious Circle

Day 321: November 24th, 2012 = COMPLETE!!!!!!

Cardio was = Jogging around flat with baby and Swaying

Dance of the Day was = “I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here” TV show

Improvised Acting Video I uploaded to my other blog was = “X Factor”

Anything to Note =

It was a Burgess family day today πŸ™‚

Alexaki had over a bunch of his Burgess family over to come and say hello, but it felt like the poor fellow was a little under the weather.

We had a tough start to the day early in the morning and then it just felt like he wasn’t himself for the rest of the day.

Less sleep than usual in the early and mid morning, and then all day.

Less smiling than usual.

Less focusing.

Less feeding, taking the bottle, taking my milk, finishing anything really.

More instant irritability.

More pains in his stomach.

More pooping.

More of the unhappy face 😦

It just felt like an off day for him. And it got to me. Especially as he is not taking to the breast so well today. Or even to my expressed milk.

And it got me stressed…well, it’s been building over the last couple days…since I have introduced another bottle feed to the day as a breast top-up. So he now has three organic formula top-ups in the day, which used to be two, that built up from one a day.

I want to solo breastfeed as I know that is the best for him. And I want the best….regardless of, and thus enduring through, cracked nipples, infections, mastitis and general breast and feeding pain. I endured, and can endure, because I know it’s the best for him so to me that has pushed me forwards.

I am actually surprised I’ve got this far. I didn’t think I was going to make it to one month with all our bad luck, and now were coming up to two months. The breastfeeding stereotype is three months. And the standard social convention is to breastfeed until six months apparently…which is questionable in itself…but I wanted to at least do three months.

I don’t know.

He’s not gaining enough weight, especially as he’s so active, poops a lot, and doesn’t sleep a lot…and perhaps he’s not getting enough from me…so hard to tell.

And now with three formula top-ups it feels a little like a vicious circle as I feel like I’m producing less and/or he’s not feeding as well after a faster flowing and easier income of milk from the bottle…and I want to give him more to help him out so I give formula but then it feels like its sending a signal through my body to produce less milk…and then I think and believe I’m producing less milk….and then I get stressed out…which can also aid in producing less milk…and it just goes round and round…

But I had to add some formula for when I was on antibiotics. And he’s still so small…

I don’t want him to starve. But I want the best.

And stress just fuels the fire.

Everyone’s advice is always….”sleep and don’t stress as it doesn’t help”….

Oh me on my…noooooo problem matey…NOT!

Don’t you think I would sleep and not stress out if I could??!!

Schmeh, A frustrated Zoe word to answer that.