365

365 ONE: day 227…Dream Expert Out There??

Day 227: August 22nd, 2012 = COMPLETE!!!!!!!

Cardio was = Walking

Dance of the Day was = “The One Thing” by INXS

Improvised Acting Video I uploaded to my other blog was = “Bouncer & Car Seat”

Anything to Note =

I had a super restless night last night. I mean I must have got up like 20 something times, no joke, to go to the bathroom! I mean it’s ridiculous!! So no sleep for me.

And of course with no sleep and just dozing I again had some crazy dreams! Two of which I remember glimpses of…

1). I was away tubing and on some adventure excursion or something, and left the newborn with Stuart for way too long! Especially as I was breast feeding. I mean it was something like days. And then it hit me and I was running to get home. And running and running!

And then there was…

2). There are two babies somehow and one of them is normal and the other sadly is severely deformed. He can’t open his eyes and his mouth is not formed so doesn’t open and this baby has been left, and I feel so guilty I can’t leave him, even though I have to get back to my healthy baby waiting for me in the nursery. But this baby looks just like mine and I’m running around with him, carrying him, not knowing what to do!

So…..

Any experts on what they mean???

I think I have some ideas – my anxiety is definitely weighing in on my dream life that is for sure!

I wish I could dream about normal things! Perhaps not about babies at all!! How about rabbits and flowers and sunshine hahaha! Or winning the lottery….that would be good 🙂

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365 ONE: day 67…HORRIBLE train ride to work

Day 67: March 15th, 2012 = COMPLETE!!!!!

Cardio was = Walking

Dance of the Day was = “Beautiful Night” by Diana Birzu Feat. Tony Ray & MC Robinho

Improvised Acting Video I uploaded to my other blog was = “TV Commercial Copycat”

Anything to Note =

I had a HORRIBLE morning this morning. I transferred to the 7 train going to work as usual and everything started out normal. I even got a good spot near the door on the 7 train since I can’t sit on public transportation, and that door opens closest to the escalator when we arrive into Grand Central, that is where I prefer to be. It’s also the easiest place to do my tip-toes in the tunnel as I can be against the door and hold onto the rail at the same time.

Anyway, everything was going normal until we got to the last stop before the tunnel, one stop away from Grand Central. The doors opened and a flood of rush hour people got on and the doors closed. And then we didn’t move.

We didn’t move for like 30-45 minutes.

In a closed, jammed pack subway car.

And then I started to feel nauseous. I had my breakfast in my bag that I was carrying with me to eat when I got to the office but thus hadn’t eaten enough to combat my nausea.

As the time passed and I stood there I started to feel really bad and sick and faint and hot. I had a woman literally pressed up in front of me and all I kept thinking was:

“Hold it together. Breathe. Don’t vomit on the woman in front. Don’t faint.”

Sweat started to pour down me. I managed to wrangle off my coat but any minute I thought I was going to lose it.

I kept looking at the doors. If they would open again I would yell to get off, but I was smooshed all the way back against the opposite doors so I didn’t even know if I could.

And as the time passed and my fears of vomiting or fainting grew, it fueled my anxiety more and I started to get the onset of a panic attack. And the onset grew, and grew and I was so scared but I started to prepare myself for the worst. I had my cell phone in my hand and keys for the office in my pocket. I dropped them into my bag and put the bag on the floor between my legs with my coat as I thought any minute now I would drop to the ground….so I didn’t want to drop my phone from my hand or have my things scattered by the people trying to get off. I was convinced I wouldn’t make it.

And then the train moved.

I closed my eyes and started to do deep breathing. All sounds dropped out around me. All I could hear was my breathing and all I could feel was my hand gripping the rail so hard to keep me upright.

I didn’t think I was going to make it. I thought I would pass out in the tunnel and would have nowhere to go with the jam of people around me until the doors opened and released me backwards. I just kept saying in my head:

“We are almost there now. Don’t pass out now as I’ll fall and crack my head when the doors open. I could hurt the baby.”

And then I felt the train slow down. We had made it into Grand Central.

The doors opened and I slowly, with my eyes focused on one foot in front of the other, found my way through the crowds flying by me to a seat and sat down.

I had to sit there for like half hour to try to regain myself, to breathe in some colder air.

It was really frightening.

But I made it.

I know I have the “no sitting on public transportation” as part of my 365 but I would have sat if there had been a seat the way I felt.

A HORRIBLE start to the day.