365

Virgin365: day three hundred and two…Rip A Page Out


365 ONE: day 227…Dream Expert Out There??

Day 227: August 22nd, 2012 = COMPLETE!!!!!!!

Cardio was = Walking

Dance of the Day was = “The One Thing” by INXS

Improvised Acting Video I uploaded to my other blog was = “Bouncer & Car Seat”

Anything to Note =

I had a super restless night last night. I mean I must have got up like 20 something times, no joke, to go to the bathroom! I mean it’s ridiculous!! So no sleep for me.

And of course with no sleep and just dozing I again had some crazy dreams! Two of which I remember glimpses of…

1). I was away tubing and on some adventure excursion or something, and left the newborn with Stuart for way too long! Especially as I was breast feeding. I mean it was something like days. And then it hit me and I was running to get home. And running and running!

And then there was…

2). There are two babies somehow and one of them is normal and the other sadly is severely deformed. He can’t open his eyes and his mouth is not formed so doesn’t open and this baby has been left, and I feel so guilty I can’t leave him, even though I have to get back to my healthy baby waiting for me in the nursery. But this baby looks just like mine and I’m running around with him, carrying him, not knowing what to do!

So…..

Any experts on what they mean???

I think I have some ideas – my anxiety is definitely weighing in on my dream life that is for sure!

I wish I could dream about normal things! Perhaps not about babies at all!! How about rabbits and flowers and sunshine hahaha! Or winning the lottery….that would be good 🙂

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365 ONE: day 225…Stress Rant

Day 225: August 20th, 2012 = COMPLETE!!!!!!

Cardio was = Walking

Dance of the Day was = “Brown Girl In The Ring” by Bonny M

Improvised Acting Video I uploaded to my other blog was = “Stress”

Anything to Note =

Not such a good day today.

Stressed.

Emotions running high – me and my mum – with me trying to save money and trying to figure out ways to not buy certain items twice, and then both of us getting sad when I mentioned that NYC really is our home base, which implied to my mum that that was home….when really I want it to be half and half….half of our time in USA and half of our time in Europe….and she thinks I’m being unrealistic. And you know I don’t know. It made us both sad. But home is where my family is, and I want to be closer and can I not make it work as I can legally work in both USA and UK, and wanted to be transatlantic as my goal anyway, before baby was in the picture….and apparently I don’t realize how hard it is going to be, but I believe there has to be a way to make it all work….and, I don’t want to be away from family – I’ve been away since I went to boarding school at 13 which is why I am here now. And my green card was to enable me to be able to work transatlantic with acting and be more flexible and it took my 12 years to get! But I can’t leave for more than 6 months or something at a time on that and we are buying an apartment in NYC now with all our money….and….my mum says I don’t understand how money weighs into the lifestyle I want and I know it’s going to be tough but want to be able to fly my parents out to NYC to be with us too if I can, and help out with their financial crisis situation. And I’m sure the emotions within me are high also because I’m tired and pregnant and scared and…

Wow.

That was a rant.

And that’s just a taste of it!!

I could have gone on and on with what is boiling inside of me.

We’re both stressed – me and my mum – with life around us that is not so great, outside of the baby world.

And I have to be strong to keep the rest of the family up.

And now I feel I let my guard down for a second and perhaps put a crack in the perfect distracting baby world where my mum could live in quite happily for now. So on top of it all I also now feel guilty. Because I do want to be here and America is what I associate with work, and she was just so quick to jump on the sad element to America and how far away it is, and how far away I have been since the year 2000! And now will have a little baby that will also be far away from her.

And that makes me really sad.

And I don’t know what to do really. How to rectify it. How to make it better. How to prove to her and me that I will find a way to be transatlantic – for real.

I have to.


365 ONE: day 205….Mosquito Mania

Day 205: July 31st, 2012 = COMPLETE!!!!!!

Cardio was = Walking

Dance of the Day was = “Down on my Knees” by Ayo

Improvised Acting Video I uploaded to my other blog was = “Talking Statue”

Anything to Note =

Last day of July today.

Wow.

I can’t believe it’s August tomorrow!!!!! What the ???

But I really can’t believe anything right….so naturally why would I believe it’s August tomorrow!

I don’t believe I’m pregnant let alone over 32 weeks pregnant!!! What the ???

I’ve said it before that I don’t even believe I’m married. That I’m 31 years old and married with a little schmonkey on the way!!! What the ???

I just know I’ve turned into a whale! A super slow whale!!

I was supposed to be up early this morning to help my dad and do some Internet things as could steal the Internet still down there….but the whale here could not get up when that alarm went off this morning. Granted I had a really bad sleep…..AGAIN….but I had such a bad headache when that alarm went off that I was like, no way. Ugh. This whale wasn’t going anywhere!!

But I do feel super guilty now though about not getting up.

I think there was a mosquito in my room last night too. I kept itching throughout the night but I wasn’t sure if that was the old bites or new ones. However, when I got up this morning, finally, I could see some new red dots on my neck and hands so there must have been one in my room as I do not remember those from yesterday.

I’m getting bitten alive out here! I’ve never had such itchy mosquito bites ever! My parents told me that there are these little things called Schnippers that bite and are I guess a type of mosquito but make super itchy bites. I had heard my dad complain about them for years but never truly experienced it until now. They are indeed super super itchy bites!! It’s crazy! The itchiest bites I have ever experienced are still bed bugs….but these are the closest things to that definitely! So friggin’ annoying!!

I guess I’m the new blood in town as I keep getting attacked, more so than my parents – great!! so I bet they are happy to have me around to fend off being bitten!!!

Come on Schnippers, don’t pick on the new blood!!! Don’t pick on the newbie!!!! Boo 😦

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365 ONE: day 143…Guilty

Day 143: May 30th, 2012 = COMPLETE!!!!!

Cardio was = Walking/Strike of Show

Dance of the Day was = “New Sensation” by INXS

Improvised Acting Video I uploaded to my other blog = “Gestures”

Anything to Note =

Yesterday was a crazy day!!!

I was up from 5.30am until past 1am so today I am super super tired and not feeling the greatest but have to get through balancing the drama we have with a client tenant to prevent him from being homeless when he arrives Friday, two shows and then the strike, and again its like 100 degrees outside!!

I was so busy with running to see apartments and talk with two brokers in between tech and such yesterday to deal with the drama, and getting props and such that I know I pushed myself a bit, forgetting the little one inside. Which I later felt guilty about.

I stupidly ran from getting some props back to the theatre at one point and then when I got there I felt a little pain and it made me feel so guilty. I realized I need to stop doing things like that. And now stupid me is worried – always thinking the worst of course!

But I’ve got so much going on though that I have to do – I can’t pass it off to anyone else so I just have to remember my limits, or that I even HAVE limits would be a start!

It kind of takes my breath away when thinking of everything I have to do before I hopefully leave but I need to keep the little one as my constant!


365 ONE: day 124…Unclear Subway Seat Offer to Names Fiasco

Day 124: May 11th, 2012 = COMPLETE!!!!!

Cardio was = Walking

Dance of the Day was = “Medly: Rip It Up/Shake, Rattle and Roll/Blue Suede Shoes” by The Beatles

Improvised Acting Video I uploaded to my other blog was = “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes…Ache”

Anything to Note =

You know you’re fat when…

….someone offers their seat to you!

Yesterday, on my way home I got on the train and this guy offered me his seat – of course I declined as I can’t sit anyway according to my 365 Challenge – BUT it was unclear to whether that was my first pregnancy offer or not ??????

Which means I am a HEFFA!

Or…

….did he offer his seat because he was getting off at the next stop, as he did??

Or…

…did he offer his seat because he was being nice as I was the only one standing and without one in the whole car??

Or…

…because I am female??

UNCLEAR!!!!

I will have to see if this is a pattern to determine if it was indeed my first pregnancy offer or not – so will let you know!

So…..

I have been thinking a bit about how guilty I feel in not dealing with the whole baby names fiasco! So yesterday, I forced myself to make some sort of list, or jot something down, before I went to bed. I was super tired and couldn’t think of one name so picked up my college Middlebury magazine and turned to the update section from all the class members, which has the names in bold, and went through the many pages.

To be honest….I didn’t like ANY of them!!! To be honest…they were very American….too American.

I was trying to make words from names, and molding together some or multiple, and also trying to see if there was a Greek equivalent or a Greek sound to them, or make a Greek sound out of them…

It was a nightmare!

I wrote down something but I don’t even want to look at that list! I even left it at home on purpose today as I don’t even want to look at the book its written down in!

It was a disaster!

Nothing feels right – but does it ever?

But…

I am trying to deal with it – this whatever it is I have syndrome: non-reality/detraction/denial/immaturity/laziness (could go on and on!) I am trying to force myself now I know it’s a BOY! Can’t we just call it Boy or Buddy Boy??!! HAHA!!

Anyway, last night was a first step, right? One step at a time, right? 

Baby steps 🙂


365 ONE: day six of challenge

Day 6: January 14th, 2012 = COMPLETE!!!!!!!!!!!

Cardio was = Elliptical

Dance of the Day was = “Let me Think About It” by Ida Corr vs. Fedde Le Grand

Improvised Acting Video I uploaded to my other blog was what I like to refer to as = “Gym Rip”

Anything to Note =

Cardio today was actually at the gym – that thing called the gym that I haven’t been to in a looooong time! It’s a good thing that it’s only $10 a month as I feel less guilty. Thank you Planet Fitness. I managed to squeeze in some elliptical between conflicts today and boy am I out of shape – it was super hard! And I was on an easy level. I tell you if I hadn’t added the whole “Healthy” criteria to this 365 Challenge I would have been at that elliptical machine like the old crazy days where I wouldn’t leave the gym until I burned off 1,500 calories! Yup, I even went through a time where I had to call my good friend to come get me as I was puking in the gym shower due to my extreme-ness. That was an ultimate low-point, and I have not repeated that since, or got that low. But, to be honest, I have those urges, that desire still is there, that masochistic extreme addiction….I feel it all the time. Hence the food and veg week I am on right now, and believe me that’s wild. Since tomorrow is the end of the fruit/veg thing, I decided to have a little oil today with some veg – or I allowed it to be there – going against my instincts – but trying to be “normal”…whatever that is! I guess, better – I am trying to be better and lead a healthy lifestyle without all the crazy. This 365 Challenge is extreme enough without adding more to it!!

I also had some natural fruit gummies – also was hard to succumb to but I need to ease my body back to eating healthy so a bit here and there today and tomorrow should do it. Although I feel bad. This is how the whole crazy dieting starts though – I feel bad about myself and punishment is needed – although I don’t see it that way, but that’s what it sometimes feels like if honesty is underlying here. If I could eat nothing. Literally NOTHING, I would. And you want to know a secret….I have actually tried to eat nothing. I get to a faint state where I can’t take it any longer and give in…thank god!!!! But l admit that I have tried. I know it’s not good for me but now and again I get the extreme girl in me – the real extreme girl. I lost a lot of weight this past year because I lost my appetite – stress and an upcoming marriage would do that to anyone though! 365 will help me – if I can keep it up!! Day six! Tomorrow will be a whole week!

One good thing today, I got to dance the way I love to – in minimal lighting, high volume and in front of a mirror!!! And out came my secret techno cage dancer 🙂 LOVE!!! My body was a little tired but I pushed through. All I needed was a black light and white clothing on 🙂 I am soooooo European hahaha!!