Day 225: August 20th, 2012 = COMPLETE!!!!!!
Cardio was = Walking
Dance of the Day was = “Brown Girl In The Ring” by Bonny M
Improvised Acting Video I uploaded to my other blog was = “Stress”
Anything to Note =
Not such a good day today.
Emotions running high – me and my mum – with me trying to save money and trying to figure out ways to not buy certain items twice, and then both of us getting sad when I mentioned that NYC really is our home base, which implied to my mum that that was home….when really I want it to be half and half….half of our time in USA and half of our time in Europe….and she thinks I’m being unrealistic. And you know I don’t know. It made us both sad. But home is where my family is, and I want to be closer and can I not make it work as I can legally work in both USA and UK, and wanted to be transatlantic as my goal anyway, before baby was in the picture….and apparently I don’t realize how hard it is going to be, but I believe there has to be a way to make it all work….and, I don’t want to be away from family – I’ve been away since I went to boarding school at 13 which is why I am here now. And my green card was to enable me to be able to work transatlantic with acting and be more flexible and it took my 12 years to get! But I can’t leave for more than 6 months or something at a time on that and we are buying an apartment in NYC now with all our money….and….my mum says I don’t understand how money weighs into the lifestyle I want and I know it’s going to be tough but want to be able to fly my parents out to NYC to be with us too if I can, and help out with their financial crisis situation. And I’m sure the emotions within me are high also because I’m tired and pregnant and scared and…
That was a rant.
And that’s just a taste of it!!
I could have gone on and on with what is boiling inside of me.
We’re both stressed – me and my mum – with life around us that is not so great, outside of the baby world.
And I have to be strong to keep the rest of the family up.
And now I feel I let my guard down for a second and perhaps put a crack in the perfect distracting baby world where my mum could live in quite happily for now. So on top of it all I also now feel guilty. Because I do want to be here and America is what I associate with work, and she was just so quick to jump on the sad element to America and how far away it is, and how far away I have been since the year 2000! And now will have a little baby that will also be far away from her.
And that makes me really sad.
And I don’t know what to do really. How to rectify it. How to make it better. How to prove to her and me that I will find a way to be transatlantic – for real.
I have to.