Virgin365: day one hundred and thirty-five…Lycra Dance

365 ONE: day 88…why hide the bump you ask?

Day 88: April 5th, 2012 = COMPLETE!!!!!

Cardio was = Walking

Dance of the Day was = “Mysterious Times” by Sash!

Improvised Acting Video I uploaded to my other blog was = “Sunglasses Poll”

Anything to Note =

Thank you to those that commented on my last blog entry on Facebook about my Old Navy experience and first maternity shop and freakout (I will be responding individually soon I promise and catching up as soon as I get a free moment to those who I know are waiting for me to email back!!).

But, to those that commented I really appreciated the support and comments and love, and, the desire for me not to hide the bump and bare all and embrace it. I completely get what you are all saying but here are my issues, sadly…

1). Firstly, I have my own issues – meaning, I have, and always will unfortunately have this horrible body image, self-worth, problem. I do not think I am attractive and so constantly battle, using my extreme-ness, with my body image with crazy diets, routines, detoxes, gym shenanigans. It’s a battle I think I will constantly have to fight, but a part of me did think that when I was pregnant I would be fine and embrace it. Now I am here and see myself in the mirror I have weird snap-back moments – where I forget that I am pregnant and have a heart attack! I am short so any weight gain is like someone added a barrel of butter on me, and these barrels of butter are noticeable. Now I know I am pregnant, but I do catch myself, like today when I spoke to the front desk of my office – I noticed that I was trying to suck in my belly! Which I found hilarious as I walked away and noticed I could release!! There is no way I could suck it in, but I still do it just forgetting. That’s a good start to motherhood….forgetting you have a baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2). Secondly, I feel like I have to conceal the bump as best as I can due to the nature of the projects I am currently in and auditioning for. I feel like it’s best sadly to hide it as best as I can so they don’t know how far along I am so that it doesn’t spoil anything I am involved with or potentially going to be involved with, at least for now (or I wear giant moo-moo’s for ever!!). I wear baggy clothes as me normally so there’s not much difference there (and even then I feel like it’s not hidden very successfully) but I am not trying to hide that I am pregnant, no no no, just hide how big I am, or not even “hide”. Just not reveal or throw it in their faces to how far along I am and how from here it can only get way larger, so to not suffer any losses with my involvement with these projects and potential projects. Because I believe I can do it whether I am pregnant or not. Seriously. Would be easier if I was up for some pregnant roles – which ironically I just played with my role in the last Loom Show I did, playing a homeless pregnant woman…but even then it turned out to be a fake pregnancy plot reveal…but, should be maybe looking for pregnant roles for the future! Anyone got a pregnant role I can audition for?

3). And thirdly, hmmmm….not sure if I had a thirdly as I can’t think what it is now! Great! Another pregnant stupid moment (insert drum cymbal clash here). Someone did tell me you get stupid-er while pregnant…I will stand by that as fact!

Thank you to all though and I promise I will eventually embrace the bump enough to do this soon…

365 ONE: day 87…first maternity shop

Day 87: April 4th, 2012 = COMPLETE!!!!!

Cardio was = Walking

Dance of the Day was = Old Navy mix

Improvised Acting Video I uploaded to my other blog was = “Maternity Shop Freakout”

Anything to Note =

I stopped at the Old Navy store on the way home after my meeting was done as I need stretchy waistband trousers. I’ve been putting it off and getting by with my clothes, still can but they are a bit tight and I am already uncomfortable so thought I should invest in a pair of stretch band jeans and black trousers. To be honest, I am in denial! I can’t believe there’s a thing growing inside me! I was kind of hoping to not have to buy anything really!! I own baggy clothes! Ugh.

I also have a weird thing going on – I kind of don’t want to buy anything as it feels kind of like a bad omen or something – that once I buy something it could all go wrong…superstitious I guess or I am a negative thinker by nature and expect the worst, so could be that.

But….I made a maternity purchase today…my first! However, with struggle.

I did found it ironic that the maternity wear was right next to the bikini section at Old Navy – way to rub it in your face!!

I had no clue how to shop for maternity clothing so first grabbed a scoop of things that were in big sizes, thinking that I needed to expand up lots of sizes, but they were all massive. I was so freaked out I didn’t think to look up so thought there were no other smaller sizes but I went back and looked up – D’uh!! I think I was half retardo and just plain freaked out so wanted to be in and out of there in no time!

So after that, I realized I got in a size 6!! Which is crazy!! I am so super fat so I don’t really understand that at all! So thought I was in luck with the size 6 jeans but then saw there was a hole at the back and after I went to check, it turns out they are sold out of that size in every store!!!! Just my luck!! Went with a size up annoyingly, but probably best I guess if I am going to be getting larger. Oy-vey!!

Putting on trousers with an elastic-cover-the-stomach-top is bizarre and really freaked me out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It didn’t make the bump disappear. Nothing covered the bump – none of the tops I brought in. I can’t hide the bump!!!!

Freaked me out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got freaked so bad I thought I was going to cry right there in the fitting room, but instead…I decided to dance! And it became my dance of the day although I have no idea what song it was!!

I also recorded some of my freakout at the end on video as my upload!

I had quite the moment at Old Navy today!!